Friday, December 14, 2007

Conspiracy of Felines

(I don't know who produced this video: a friend sent it to me ... and then another friend sent it ... so I just hope I'm not infringing on someone's copyright. If so, I'll take it down.)

But y'know, this clever little work was one of two things that confirmed for me what I'd suspected for quite a while: there is an International Cat Conspiracy.

See, the actions of the little cartoon cat are very close to those of my own, Peaches. Over the past year, Peaches has developed this custom of climbing up onto the bed and awakening me with one little claw, strategically placed on my nose. So when I saw the cartoon, I thought, "wow! Just like Peaches!" Although, when I mentioned that to another cat owner, she replied, "my cat does the same thing!" And she lives in New York. And a couple of others have shared the same thing, themselves, about their cats.

Does your cat have a penchant for vicious play? Join the lodge. My boss refers to his cats as switching to "blend-o-matic" when he plays with them. Last week, a co-worker and I compared battle scars when I noticed that her forearm had been shredded -- just like mine. And hers is a kitten (apparently, she had brought it home, therefore she was the one who had to play with it): imagine what it will be like when mature (like Peaches)!

(One of the myriad reasons why lions make very poor household pets.)

The other thing that convinced me of an International Cat Conspiracy was a column by the humorist Linda Cullen. In it, she described a conversation with her cat, in which the cat gave her tips on the proper way of cleaning oneself ... it involved raising the back leg just so and crossing it over the head, allowing a clear ...

Sorry -- too much information ...

Anyway, not long after that, I noticed Peaches was following the same technique -- and right in front of guests, too! Clearly, she and Linda's cat were in cahoots.

Peaches: staring into space, or communing telecattically?

So how do cats come up with their International Conspiracy? How can cats in three different locations in Metro Vancouver ... and cats in Vancouver and New York and wherever our cartoon was conceived ... get together? Simple. All those times you see a cat staring off into space, contemplating far horizons ... they're actually in communication with millions of cats around the world, all on that same plane of existence that helps them to know exactly when you're pulling the raw liver out of the freezer. They're making their decisions -- probably getting approval from the Supreme Cat* -- and plotting their next mass mind-melt on us humans.

Remember how cats used to go for balls of yarn? But who does knitting anymore? Catnip really has no effect on cats, whatsoever, but they've figured out that humans think it does, so they do all their gyrations around a catnip mousie for their own amusement and enjoyment -- not because of the herb, but because of all the idiot humans watching them, pointing and giggling.

You don't see dogs doing this. When have you seen a dog stare off into space like that? When have you seen a dog do something other dogs do? Dogs are the type who'd say, "I'm a rugged individualist: just like everybody else".

But cats are organized. Look at the way they respond to "Temptations". How else could it be that shaking the package to attract your own cat and call her in from outside will bring instant reaction from other cats -- even those that are inside? Evidently, the one which actually did the commercial told one of their sessions that the commercial promotes a particular image, and if other cats want to get a lot of attention, laughs and, oh yes, Temptations, they need to go nuts every time they hear the package rattle.

So they're plotting ... coming up with brilliant ideas to do things that (a) seem cute and (b) provide cat-owners with common ground for ... but (c) lay the groundwork for something BIG in the long run. I have no idea what it might be, but if they ever develop opposable thumbs, we're in DEEP trouble!

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